So, remember the last post where I said that I was dangerously close to falling asleep?

Well, then we had someone try to rob the place. No shit. And it's taken me almost two weeks to mention it.

We had a person come in here while I was making coffee - hood up, face obscured, the whole nine yards. And what was my first reaction when I saw them in the lobby. To shout "Good morning!" at the top of my lungs as they were running out the door. I wasn't expecting them to answer back. And I definitely wasn't expecting their voice to sound familiar. Or that their car was familiar as well.

Night auditing makes me nervous now. This whole job is starting to make me nervous. I'd gone without panic attacks for a while, and now I'm having them all the time again. Therapy's ok, but I don't know if I'm going to continue going. It makes me think about things I don't want to. Like whether or not I'm happy, if I love my husband, and all that jazz.

Do you want to know the truth?

A lot of the time, I think I am absolutely miserable, I just can't stand to tell anyone. I feel like I have to build everything up to be so nice, but on the inside, I hate myself. I can't stand to be around everyone all the time. I am miserable, there's no better way to put it.

I've been put down my whole life. I used to wake up every morning to hear that my family was pissed off because I was still alive. I vividly remember being whipped with a dog leash (the metal end) by my sister, while my mom sat there on the computer. When I grabbed the leash out of her hand, my mom yelled at me for taking something away from my sister and grounded me.

I was always called fat or ugly or just being told that I was hated just for being around. My parents listened to everything and just shrugged it off, or joined in, if they felt like it. I was called a whore because I saw my boyfriend once a week, while my sister snuck off to her boyfriend's house every morning. When my mom found out about it, she was okay with it. And when I told her that my sister was pregnant, she slapped me across the face and told me to stop being such a fucking liar.

My sister announced her pregnancy a week later. It's been five fucking years and I have yet to receive an apology.

When I got into a car accident, my mother told my father that my friend, Richard, had pushed me into the street. My Dad tried to assault Richard for that. To this day, my parents and my best friend hate each other. I actually ended up moving in with Richard and his mother because of the way my family treated me.

And then I married my husband. Not only do I have to deal with a lot of shit from my family, but his family can be absolutely insane. Sometimes it's all I can do not to scream.

I mean, I love my in-laws (they're growing on me), my husband (even though sometimes I'm totally like 'what the fuck is wrong with you?') and the relationship between my parents and myself has improved leaps and bounds (the relationship between my sister and I is nonexistent).

But I'm still holding myself back from everyone because I don't want to be disregarded or fucked over or whatever.

Hopefully things will change for the better soon.

EDIT 6/24/2012:

So, things are getting better, slowly but surely. Someone bought the house we were going to buy, unfortunately, but that's ok, because we found another house that's bigger and it's right between his parents and my parents, instead of right up the street.

When one door closes, or something like that.

I'm not as nervous to work night audit, though we had a drunk driver come in here and wreck two church vans that were in the parking lot. No one was hurt, but it was definitely not fun to deal with.

But Husband's doing well, Little Miss is doing well, and he might be getting his job sooner than we thought, which is awesome.

I'm happier, though I've stopped therapy, and it shows, which makes me even more glad about things.

Now, if only I could go spend some quality time at the beach...

Why I'm Afraid to Work Night Audit Tomorrow

So far, it seems that every couple of weeks while I'm working night audit, something happens.

A month ago, we had someone come in and try to rob the place. A couple weeks ago, we had a drunk driver tear through the parking lot and take out two church vans that belonged to a choir who was staying here for the night.

And now, it seems, that everything electrical is going wrong. We even had a hairdryer catch on fire. All I can think it "Oh God, the hotel's going to catch on fire tomorrow night, isn't it?"

So, if I stop posting indefinitely, the hotel probably caught on fire and I don't have internet anymore because I lost my job due to lack of location.